Help Me Get Out of This Drama Triangle: Stop Rescuing

The Karpman Drama Triangle: Persecutor – Rescuer –Victim (PRV). We’ve all found ourselves in this energy-draining game chasing and being chased around the triangle. “You are WRONG!” says the Persecutor, whether with words or icy withdrawal. “I can’t do it! I won’t!” cries the Victim. “Let me fix this for you!” says the Rescuer righteously riding in on his white horse to save the day.

And round and round we go…How do you know you’re in this game instead of in a real, authentic encounter? Just look for the drama! Instead of actually solving problems and connecting authentically with others, you find yourself in chaos and asking, “why are we arguing over the same stupid thing yet again?”

Tribes can be particularly prone to PRV drama. A tribe is not just a set of loosely associated people who happen to be doing the same thing. A tribe is a family of choice or a purposeful association of people. It might be an Army unit, a teacher’s faculty group, a Bible study group, a triathlon training team, a nuclear family, a mountain climbing expedition, or some other group to which you might belong. Tribes share common values and have goals that require more than can be done by only one individual. You care about the people in your tribe because through the work you do with them, you are bonded to them. What you do with your tribe may challenge you at times, and simply being a member of that tribe challenges you to be a better person.

Pathways TA’s have a set of Core Values and Ethics by which we align ourselves towards our higher mission. In that way, the mission is greater than any one person. One of those Core Values is that we “lead from a spirit of healthy growth.”  How would your tribe be different if its members agreed to lead from a spirit of healthy growth?

One measure of a tribe’s maturity is how it balances achieving its bigger mission with honoring the fact that its members are at different skill levels – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. How do you keep the mission central without losing the human beings? In particular, how do you keep your tribe healthy when one of the members becomes unstable or unhealthy?

As the TA Council has contemplated this dilemma, we started by looking at the template of the human body and the immune system. Healthy cells do their jobs in harmony with other healthy cells and are the building blocks of the healthy organs that comprise a healthy being. Unhealthy cells not only don’t do their job particularly well, they steal energy from healthy cells around them, and their byproducts are toxic. Sound familiar?

Now, sometimes toxicity is small and manageable. At other times, toxicity gives way to pathology which can take down the entire organism.

For the purpose of this analogy, a cell  is a particular behavior in a person, and people make up the organs in the larger organism of your tribe. We ALL have unhealthy (i.e., less than fully mature) behaviors / tapes that we are working on; that’s why “we lead from a spirit of healthy growth!”

How do you lead in this dilemma, then? As the saying goes, “every time I point a finger at someone else, there are three more pointing back at me.” So we are well advised to look at ourselves before judging others: am I made up of healthy cells? Are my behaviors healthy for the larger tribe? Every person will at times answer “no.” If not, how do I change that behavior? To whom am I accountable? Where do I go for help?

Sometimes you can turn to people within the tribe when you’re off balance, but sometimes you need more than the tribe itself can provide. After all, your tribe can give support, love, and feedback, but they may not have the skills, energy or ability to fix your issue. Besides, it’s usually not their job to fix you! So a mature person who lives in the spirit of healthy growth is ever diligent that the unhealthy behavior they are currently working on does NOT drain energy from the tribe itself and the greater mission.

If you are working on an unhealthy behavior, there is absolutely no shame in getting help from your church, pastor, 12 step group, therapist, psychologist, coach, psychiatrist, support group, accountability group, doctor, etc. In fact, that is what people who manage their lives do! It can be selfish and unrealistic to expect your tribal peers – especially if the tribe in question is your family —  to do these roles for you.

Ideally, a healthy tribe creates a culture that is self-correcting. After all, if someone in the tribe has to take on the mantle of “police” for other people’s behaviors, you have a recipe for resentment and divisiveness. Healthy tribes strive for a greater standard that everyone in the tribe works towards. Then, with open communication and perspective, understanding that it IS progress not perfection, the tribe balances what is acceptable to be worked on from within the tribe and what is not. And it takes courage because at some point the “organism” may have to reluctantly say “wait, your behavior at this time is beyond a level of that we can withstand to remain viable… please step away and go get healthy!”

Obviously, how you do this and how much you participate in supporting another person depends on the tribe and your role. If it’s your employee who is spewing gossip, you may choose to either give them a leave of absence to figure things out or ask them to leave the business; if it’s your 15-year-old whose behavior is wreaking havoc on the family, you have a responsibility to guide that child back into healthiness as best you can. In the end, however, you will have to choose to do whatever actions are required to keep the tribe healthy, or to allow the unhealthiness to decimate the tribe.

Because awareness is the first step to any real change, we will be sharing some articles in these newsletters similar to those the TA Council is sharing. First, we look at one of the most insidious and common unhealthy traits of compassionate and caring people: the tendency to slip into the PRV triangle at the Rescuer role.

If you find yourself slipping into the Rescuer role in your tribe, you are in good company! Take a look at the following excerpts by Dore Frances, Ph.D., on Caretaking vs. Caregiving.

In this enlightening article, Dore teaches us the difference between Caregivers and Caretakers. A caretaker, she writes, “needs to ‘fix’ people — in order to fill the void within… [and is a] codependent person who needs to care for another to feel alive.” This unhealthy behavior drains not only the caretaker but sets up dysfunctional dynamics in relationships. It eventually disrupts the tribe completely. Dore helps us further understand by showing us the difference between Caretaking and Caregiving:

·         Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else. Caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly ask, “What are you going to do about that?”

·         Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem. Caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.

·         Caretakers worry. Caregivers take action and solve problems.

·         Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker. Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.

·         Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.

·         Caretaking crosses boundaries. Caregiving honors them.

·         Caretaking takes from the person or gives with strings attached. Caregiving gives freely.

·         Caretakers tend to be judgmental. Caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”

·         Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act. Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.

·         Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves. Caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem-solving capabilities.

·         Caretakers think they know what’s best for others. Caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.

·         Caretakers tend to attract needy people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. Caregivers tend to attract people who are slightly above their own level of education, knowledge and mental health.

·         Caretakers use the word “You” a lot. Caregivers say “I” more.

Do you want to know how to get out of the crazy PRV carousel? Awareness is the first step…